Help for those with Infertile Friends or Family Members

I found this on a random blog....

I know having a family member or a friend who is having infertility trials in their life can be a tricky situation. Below I have some tips that might help.

Do not [complain] about your pregnancy, some infertile women would die for that. 

Ask before sending a baby shower invitation, some women can handle these occasions better than others.

Don't ask when someone is going to have children, no matter who it is. [If they want you to know, they will tell you.] You do not know whether someone is struggling with infertility or not, it's just better not to ask certain questions.

Here are some highlights (emphasis added) from an article by Ana Nelson Shaw, called “Being Sensitive to Couples without Children,” Ensign, Aug 2000, 61.

• Remember that decisions about building a family are between a husband and wife and the Lord. [Not the ward.]

• Recognize positive contributions that are not related to childbearing or rearing. Everyone needs to feel valuable, and this is sometimes hard—particularly in Latter-day Saint culture—when one cannot become a parent....... I had my feelings hurt one time in a lesson when it was implied that the only reason that women are on the earth was to have and raise children, I just dismissed her as being ignorant but it still hurt.

• Realize that infertile people can be sensitive to the undertones of your comments, and try to be careful about what you say. For example, saying “You’ll get pregnant if you just relax” implies that you think infertility is the couple’s own fault, when in reality it is usually a medical condition not caused by stress. “You’ll get pregnant as soon as you adopt” implies that you see adoption as merely a path to having a biological child, when it is actually just as valid a path to parenthood as pregnancy. Even reassurances such as “It will happen in the Lord’s time” can be painful for people who are preparing themselves for the possibility that they will not have biological children during this lifetime......which is the stage that I am at and I probably can't handle even adopting a child.

• Express your support and love with simple, positive, nonintrusive comments such as “I love you.” Your genuine care and concern are needed by those experiencing the trial of infertility.

Also, below are some highlights from an article called Infertility Etiquette.

Don't minimize their pain. Statements like "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain.

Don't gossip about your friend's condition. Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones. Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.......usually I'm an open book but there is a level of information that I stop at.  I tell people that I can't have kids but when they say there is always adoption I just nod and say yep, even though I won't be adopting.

And these are just some of my own:

If you're a mother, please don't complain about how you hate Mother's Day. I don't hate Mother's Day, it's just hard for me because I wish I could participate in it. If I'm absent that Sunday don't be too concerned, but if I'm strong enough to come to church that day I will take the flower/chocolate or whatever they hand out because I deserve free stuff just as much as any mother. :) Plus I know it's for "all women 18 years and older."

Please don't tell your infertile friend that because you are able to have children, it makes you "feel guilty" to hear about their struggle or be around them. If I hear that, it makes me feel worse. I carry enough guilt for myself, I don't want to think I inadvertently cause it for others.

Above all do not ask me if I'm pregnant!!!!! I know that only strangers do that to me but it should be a given to NEVER ask that to any woman EVER!!  It is especially hurtful because I know I never will be pregnant.  I usually put them in there place by saying the truth.

Them: "oh when are you due?"

Me: "I'm not pregnant I just have an enlarged hardened liver"

Them: nothing because that shut them up!! hahaha